If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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Super Hand Dog Face
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy