[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.