I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Very problematic
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”