Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
pls suprot
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.