Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
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Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store