The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it