A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”