Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
This kid is a star!
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.