My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Have a lovely day 😊
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???