The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.