Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.