Had an epiphany today.
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
huge if true: the moon
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
okay run it by me one more time