I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.