Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Spring of Deception
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*struts into the new year
~ trips