My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock