Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.