“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.