Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd