Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.