*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you