If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is