According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows: