Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.