I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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lmao
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
subtitles are so good nowadays
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.