cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.