I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I can also cook 😂
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11