Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.