Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Just why bro?!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”