ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
You Might Also Like
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
back to work
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Doggies just call it style.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*