Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one