I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
You Might Also Like
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
He-man has a Masters degree
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.