If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible