political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I have a type: disappointing
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
absolute chaos