I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem