A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels