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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once