You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
This is a whole mood;
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
He wanted to make sure😂
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup