Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
who will stop them
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
That’s incredible! 👌