Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
It do be feeling this way.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My first son he is wonderful
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.