Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
live, laugh, laundry.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
the rocks need my help
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.