I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Accurate
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
bears
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
#winning
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone