Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You Might Also Like
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*pokes sex life with a stick
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out