Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!