I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
that colleague who touches your screen