Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”