[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Yes, but it was never about money
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.