waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*exercises sarcastically*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha