Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”