#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The struggle is real
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.