Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”